you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
