If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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