wrigley field is MILF paradise
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Text me some of your sweat
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