I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
