Jerry, you need to find god
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
