Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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