I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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