I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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