So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
