he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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