Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
