DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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