Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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