I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize