Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am available for nakedness
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
