the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize