Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
