I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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