No stitches, just platelets and will power
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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