The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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