saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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