I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
