Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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