i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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