Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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