Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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