Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
