It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
