All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize