i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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