So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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