K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
