why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
