there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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