I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
