Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
