dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
