do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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