It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize