don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
