Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
