Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize