mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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