Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
