Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
