those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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