i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
