I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
