I will die if light touches me.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
