if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm at about main and main street
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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