I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
