He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
