A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
