I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
