I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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