Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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