So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
