Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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