If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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