i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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