my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I would fuck him just for his dog
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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