I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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