About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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