Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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