There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
