Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
