what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
