I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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