I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
